1.
Last night I lay on my bed, face to the ceiling, eyes covered with a swaddling blanket.
I am willing to admit this may have been, you know. Weird.
“Um,” said Abigail, with all the diplomacy a ten-year-old can muster. “What are you doing?”
I did not remove the blanket. “I’m taking a short break.”
“What’s mom doing?” Owen asked, a minute later.
“I have no idea,” Abigail said. “She says she’s taking a break.”
Five minutes I lay there. Ten. Not quiet, of course; five kids (and one husband) getting ready for bed next to, around, and—at one point—while crawling over me; not quiet, but motionless.
2.
Have I mentioned that Eli does not nap? Six months, twenty-five pounds (!) of delightfully happy baby, and he hardly naps. Twenty minute catnaps a couple of times a day. He does sleep many nights.
Have I mentioned that Sadie—when she was a baby, lo those three years ago—napped so much that other people would forget we even had a baby? Friends would stop by to visit, stay for a couple of hours, and never even see her. We repeatedly checked with her health care providers: is it okay that she sleeps so much? They all said yes. (Not that we slept much. She was not averse to waking in the night, and we did not nap when she napped all day.)
It’s quite an adjustment.
Except! Whoops! I forgot to adjust. Didn’t figure out how to work short breaks into my day. Just kept going and going, never coming to a full stop. Stretching thinner and thinner until I wasn’t quite sure what I was doing, other than waiting for the middle-of-the-day recuperation that would accompany a nap. If there was a real nap. Which there wasn’t.
Analyzing the daily routine and coming up with a new plan was rather beyond my imaginative capabilities. The very idea would have left me exhausted. If it had occurred to me. Which it didn’t.
3.
The children have been sick, off and on. Fevers, runny noses, an ear infection. Nothing terrible.
There was one day, just one, one glorious Thursday, when Eli fell asleep. And then Sadie fell asleep. And the two of them napped and napped. One solid hour in the afternoon, they slept. The three older children, also sick and tired, laid down on couches with books.
I can’t even remember what I did. Ate lunch, probably; read a book, maybe; washed the dishes, threw in a load of laundry, it doesn’t matter, the point was: it hit a reset button on my soul. When the children woke up, I didn’t have to muster patience, I had reserves. I didn’t have to choose my words, the right ones came naturally.
I had forgotten that I am a reasonably adequate parent.
4.
Moments of perspective. Sometimes that’s all I need. Which is good, because sometimes that’s all I get.
The sudden realization that I’m not incompetent, I’m just burnt out in entirely predictable and logical ways–and that I can change that: my chest expands with relief.
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
Yes, dear. You needed that break.
I am sorry for the non-napping baby. I have had those non-napping babies. Just yesterday, I held my almost-3 year old off and on for 3 hours while she cried because she’s so tired. But she won’t nap. I can’t even get her to lay down with me to not-sleep. She hasn’t napped for a year, and was a terrible napper the first two years of her life.
The non-napping baby is a glitch in Mother Nature, I think. But like all difficult things, it will come to an end. Thank goodness for that.
Poor napless wonders. It really would be okay, I think, if I would reset my brain to not expect that break, and to come up with other strategies. I’m working on it…
I’m glad you recognize that it’s not the parent, it’s the exhaustion and expectations and overwhelm. Get all the sensory deprivation (even in the form of a swaddling blanket) as you need!
Isn’t that what swaddling blankets are for?
so glad to read this post. i have been worrying about you from afar and hoping that you are ok (based solely on your other blog posts). change is hard sometimes but once you’ve found hope i think you are more than half way there…
I am a fan of being more than halfway there.
And I just breathed in relief for you. I get this. You may be tired of hearing this, but don’t forget to once in a while make yourself a priority. That’s okay too!
Ah, priorities! So many, so little time…
I hope you get to pause and take care of yourself-soon !
Thanks!
You say, with great eloquence, what I am stumbling around. My exhaustion is hobbling me. Stumble trip. But, underneath, I’m ok.
I hope you find many more of those moments of peace.
I hope you’re stumbling cross them, as well.
“…it doesn’t matter, the point was: it hit a reset button on my soul.”
I loved that statement. I am sure you are an awesome parent! A coworker recently had to tell me to slow down and that I was in fact a great parent. He said, “God is watching you and guiding you in the right path however, there aren’t too many medals being given out in heaven…take time out sometimes for yourself – even if it means throwing off your daily routine for once.” (well, he said something like that. I think you get the point).
I threw off my routine last weekend…sick child and all – although I couldn’t stop worrying too much about my son, I knew he was in good hands with his nana. It felt great!
[I haven't been around in a while for various reasons (thought I was collecting medals.
)...but one thing remains the same - I still enjoy your space.]
I think there are rewards given out in heaven!
But that’s such a great point, that we probably ought to prioritize sanity over the routine. Which is not to say that I’ve learned how to do that just yet… so what am I collecting, I wonder?